A Collection of Thoughts

Month: October, 2012

Sundays are the best days.

Sundays are the best days.

Advertisements

Number One.

Monday 1:51 AM
I’ve succumbed to blogging…kind of. If you’re reading this, let go of all expectations right now. This isn’t going to be some blog with 400 pictures of clothes, shoes, and food. This is a replacement for my used up leather-bound journal. This will hopefully be a place where I can express the emotions I cannot express verbally ( so run now!)

I guess I should start by telling you (assuming anyone will ever read this) about myself, huh? Well, as you can see, My name is Stephanie. I’m on the lower end of the 20’s spectrum and I live a very strange yet routine life.

I am a kick-boxer, a martial artist, a runner, an only child, a linguist, a lover, a daughter, and sometimes a caretaker to my elderly grandparents. I live in the southeastern U.S with my Mom and those aforementioned grandparents, one of whom (my grandma) has Alzheimer’s. I should probably give you an in-depth description of my relationship with my family but that requires another post that I’ll save for tomorrow.
I have body dysmorphic¬† disorder and, according to my therapist, mild anorexia. Put it this way, in my head I know I’m not “fat”. I weigh 120-124 pounds depending, I run a mile in 7:32 seconds, I workout 5-6 days a week for at least 1.5 hours at a time and I’m not talking about being at the gym and walking around. I’m talking serious sanshou/kickboxing/jiu-jitsu training. But for some god damned reason when I look in the mirror I don’t see the person I want to be. The person I think I should be. There are days when I train for two hours or i’ll run 6 miles and it doesn’t feel like it was good enough. It NEVER feels like it’s good enough. You should also know that nothing brings me more joy than having complete control over my food; meaning the portion size, the ingredients, and when I decide to eat it. I also love feeling hungry; when my stomach is so empty it almost hurts…. It puts a smile on my face.
That sounds awful and just fucking morbid and I’m well aware of it… I know it sounds like its something I’m proud of, but trust me, I’m not.

I never used to be able to articulate these “feelings” at all until I started seeing my therapist at my current University. She has helped me open up more about things and kind of keep a regular eating schedule to balance everything out. My boyfriend is also a huge help when it comes to meal times. Today, for example, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and when 6pm came around he got up without saying a word and made me whole grain pasta with chicken. Admittedly when I saw what he did I cried. Not because I was happy but because I would have to eat it. He doesn’t like when I don’t eat; it makes him sad and he’ll sometimes get a little frustrated that I treat myself this way. So he coaxed me into having a small bowl, and I even went back for seconds. When I’m around him I’m happy…. and when I’m happy I can eat and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. He makes me want to be better. I just wish I could be around him more often than a few times a week. I wish I wasn’t still living at home, barely getting by so I could rent an apartment and live with him.

—- A little bit about HIM.¬† His name is Tamer. He’s 2 years younger than me. I’ve known him for 4 years now, and we’ve been dating for 1.5 of those years. He is an MMA fighter and a coach at a prestigious gym in our area. I’m about 100% sure that he’s the man I’m going to marry. As I stated before, he makes me want to be better. He makes me better. Out of the 4 men I’ve dated and the other couple I’ve just been with, he’s the only one who I’ve actually let myself GO with and he is literally my other half. What he lacks I make up for and vice versa.—

Enough sad stuff for now. I am a HUGE animal lover and animal rights advocate. I love ALL animals! Birds, horses, turtles, snakes, rhinos, giraffes…. all of them.I adopted a Shiba Inu named Penny ( you’ll be seeing a lot of her, don’t you worry) just after my 18th birthday a few years ago and she’s pretty much my baby. She keeps me going and gives me something to look forward to… some kind of daily routine.

wow it’s almost 3am and I have class in a few hours -__- I’ll definitely write more tomorrow before I study for my exam.

-Steph.